A guide for the visiting transnational parent
By Sulette Ferreira
The moment you step off the plane, you feel a mix of joy and nostalgia. Your heart brims with anticipation for the long-awaited embrace with your children and grandchildren who now call a foreign country home. At the same time, you quietly acknowledge the fleeting nature of this precious visit.
In our globalised era, this is the reality of many parents of emigrant adult children. The rise of transnationalism has reshaped family life and given rise to a new ritual: the transnational family visit. Because they are expensive and taxing, transnational visits are an infrequent privilege. These expeditions are less about the physical journey than about bridging emotional distances.
As an emigration therapist, I often witness the experiences of visiting parents from South Africa as they connect with their adult children and grandchildren scattered across the globe. In this article, I draw on my experience to provide eight guidelines to assist you, the visiting parent, in nurturing emotional ties with your loved ones. This way, you can ensure that every precious moment spent together is a step towards an even stronger family bond.
1. Start with “Why?”
The answer to this question might seem glaringly obvious: You and your children love and miss each other and long to be reunited. But once you start scrutinising this desire, some nuances you should consider become apparent.
For many parents, the need to visit is rooted in the primal instinct to nurture and protect. Even though your children are now independent adults, your feeling of parental responsibility never completely fades away. You may want to share in the milestones that have occurred over the time you have been apart — to celebrate achievements, provide comfort for losses, and offer the tangible support that only physical presence can provide.
The real reason for the visit is not only being present in the spaces where your children’s stories unfold but also being a part of the narrative itself. It is about being an active participant rather than a mere spectator, sharing in the holiday warmth, contributing to the laughter and memory-making and witnessing the sparkle of joy in your loved ones’ eyes first-hand.
What you can do
Pinpoint the key purpose of the visit. Consider what this active participation in your children’s lives means to you. Understanding the central motive will help shape a more rewarding trip.
2. Plan diligently, but leave room for the unexpected
Many families embark on their journeys to reunite, but preparing for family reunions becomes more than a logistical challenge – it becomes a labour of love. Parents and children provide mutual support to ensure the family circle is made whole again.
What you can do
- Plan early to navigate passport and visa delays and to sidestep high travel costs.
- Choose flexible travel and accommodation options.
- Coordinate schedules with your children for quality time together.
- Allow for spontaneous, unplanned moments of connection.
Of course, even the most meticulous plan can fall victim to the unpredictable, with the potential for cancelled flights or health issues leading to heart-wrenching postponements. It is important to have a plan for moving forward in such cases.
What you can do
- Accept uncontrollable factors.
- If a reunion is delayed, recognise the disappointment; then focus on possible actions.
- Use this as a teaching moment for resilience and adaptability for your children and grandchildren.
3. Keep Communicating
To ensure that a transnational visit is rewarding for everyone involved, it is crucial that the planning is not one-sided. The key to a successful trip is continuous dialogue, allowing for shared decision-making and expectation-setting. Proactive planning and open communication ensure that the trip caters to the interests of each family member, leading to a shared, enjoyable experience.
Also, bear in mind that another dimension is added to your communication when you see your children in person again. The frequency and modes of communication that maintained the long-distance relationship might not translate seamlessly into face-to-face interactions. Both you and your children may need to rediscover each other’s conversational cues and emotional language, a process requiring patience and empathy.
What you can do
- Communicate your goals for the visit with your children clearly to make them a reality.
- Create a list of what you want to learn about your children’s lives and what activities you want to share. This personalised itinerary ensures that your conversations are meaningful.
- Be ready to rediscover conversational rhythms and share stories that have shaped your time apart.
4. Keep the cost in mind
The desire to be with your emigrant children is often met with significant financial barriers. International flights are expensive, and hidden costs are just as real: travel insurance that safeguards against the unexpected and health precautions prudent for older travellers.
Financial costs aside, there are also physical costs to consider. Flying poses specific challenges for older travellers. Navigating large spaces like airports or sitting in a cramped seat for hours can become a genuine health concern. The stress of travel can take a toll on your energy and well-being.
However, if these costs make it seem like the trip is not worthwhile, keep in mind that the value of a hug, the warmth of shared laughter, and the reassurance of face-to-face contact are not just emotional luxuries but investments into the family’s emotional reserve.
What you can do
- Acknowledge your limitations to prevent overexertion.
- Anticipate a slower pace if you are older.
- If possible, plan for direct flights to reduce travel time or ensure enough layover time to rest between flights.
- Select aisle seats for easier access to the restroom and to stretch your legs.
- To better recover, plan with your children to have a rest day when you arrive.
5. Have realistic expectations
The anticipation of a reunion brings with it a host of expectations and emotions. On the one hand, families expect to come together joyously after a long separation. On the other hand, there is the bittersweet recognition of changed family roles and identities. In this redefined context, aligning your expectations with the present realities of your children’s lives is essential.
As visitors in your children’s world, the wisdom of balance becomes key. Given the preciousness of time together, the urge to fill every moment with shared experiences is natural. Yet it’s equally important to embrace the rhythms of your children’s daily lives, which include their need for personal space and routine.
It is a delicate integration in which you tactfully find your place within the daily patterns of their lives, respecting boundaries as much as cherishing shared moments and creating memories.
What you can do
- Balance your expectations with your children’s reality: Make your child and grandchildren the focus.
- Express appreciation for your children’s efforts to accommodate your visit, recognising that hosting can be demanding.
- Balance your expectations with your children’s reality.
6. Be open to new cultures and experiences
Cultural acclimatisation is another important consideration. Emigrant children often blend into their new country, embracing customs and norms that may seem outlandish to you. The best way to approach these differences is with curiosity and openness. Becoming comfortable with the unknown is vital.
Allow your children to guide you through their adopted culture. See their guidance through their new culture as a gift, offering a window into their newfound independence, and allow yourself to feel proud of what they have achieved. By navigating this new dynamic gracefully, parents can foster a renewed and matured relationship with their children, enriching the family bond with layers of mutual respect and love.
What you can do
Allow opportunity for spontaneity and the formation of new traditions. These new traditions merge the past with the present, creating a shared future that honours both the memories of what was and the realities of what is.
7. Consider your legacy
The significance of visits across borders, marked by their rarity, holds a profound opportunity to shape a meaningful legacy. Naturally, you will want your presence to have the greatest possible positive impact and create a lasting aftereffect. This becomes especially pertinent if you have grandchildren. After all, these precious souls, nestled in a home far away from your own, are the reason for your journey.
To ensure your influence is positive and lasting, approach each visit intentionally, contemplating the arrival and departure. Reflect on the essence of the legacy you wish to build. What values do you want to impart? What memories do you hope will linger in your absence? This introspection requires a candid examination of your behaviours, recognising which traits you wish to project and which to curtail.
What you can do
- Share your wisdom and experiences in ways that resonate with your family, creating teachable moments that enrich their lives.
- Introduce new rituals that can become a cherished part of your family’s culture, bridging distances with shared practices.
- Acknowledge your imperfections and work on them.
8. Say farewell while looking forward
As the visit draws close and you prepare once more to traverse the miles that will stretch between you and your family, there is a poignant intermingling of sadness and love – the bittersweetness familiar to those who cherish bonds across distances.
In the quiet moments of departure, we often discover the deepest sense of connection, a paradox that only those who have loved across distances can truly understand.
Foster this deep sense of connection by creating anticipation for the next meeting, as this creates a sense of continuity and unity when you and your family are separated by distance. You can do this by planning the next meeting, whether it is a visit in the warmth of your own home, the shared joy of a holiday, or the simple yet profound connection of a digital conversation.
Also read: We need to talk about emigration
Contact Sulette Ferreira
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