By Charné Meiring

I recently celebrated my birthday and as the candles become too many to count, I think back on how emigration changes your celebrations. People are always quick to talk about how they miss their family from their homeland the most, but few people mention the friends who have become family – and the impact your move has on friendships.

When we first emigrated to London, the video calls were scheduled and we even tried braaiing together once or twice, online. I remember how we all pushed our plates of braaibroodjies and wors in front of the camera, as if it was really the same. It was not, but it was cute.  

But as time passed, the video calls become only videos or voice clips. Later, it waters down and becomes just a funny joke that you send to a few people … and then, after a while, just a “Merry Christmas” and “Happy birthday” message.

At first, I thought: Gmph, these people do not care anymore. But you do not realise the implication of distance on a friendship. Who wants to tell you in a text message that you have been to the doctor for a headache, or that you child is reaching a milestone? Google Maps can never indicate this distance. The small details that one would share in a conversation just feels impersonal and unnecessary in a text message. And then it builds up. You leave so many details and aspects of your life out, that you involuntarily start to cut people out – and vice versa.

And then then you receive the birthday message, and you think: Wow, I do not even know how that friend is doing anymore. Is she sad? Is she happy? Does she get along with her new in-laws? Does she not have a new job or something? Is she okay at home on her own with just the kids?

As with any adult relationship, your friendships are changing constantly. You add people. People leave. Some only stay for a short while but leave a lasting impact on you. Some are lucky to have that one ride or die friend.

And some become quiet. Not because they do not care anymore, but because they do not know how to make you part of their daily lives. Let us be honest – what can you really send to someone who is 10 000 km away, besides a joke about why wine and braaibroodjies are in fact a balanced diet.  

And then you realise: maybe it is enough. A funny meme, a “Happy birthday” and a promise that, if you breathe the same air again one day, you will sit and drink coffee and laugh, as if no one had ever moved.

Because that is what friendship is. An invisible rope, sometimes paper thin, sometimes as thick as the oceans that separate us, but always there. Even if it is just to tell you: You may be getting older, but you are still my person.