{"id":169812,"date":"2024-01-12T11:07:00","date_gmt":"2024-01-12T09:07:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wereldwyd.co.za\/the-emotional-rollercoaster-ride-of-emigration\/"},"modified":"2024-08-07T07:53:53","modified_gmt":"2024-08-07T05:53:53","slug":"the-emotional-rollercoaster-ride-of-emigration","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wereldwyd.co.za\/en\/the-emotional-rollercoaster-ride-of-emigration\/","title":{"rendered":"The emotional rollercoaster ride of migration"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Elbie van Coller<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Migration is not for sissies, that\u2019s for sure. Anyone leaving their country of birth permanently, for whatever reason, can verify this fact. New roots takes a very long time to gain a foothold in foreign soil, but patience and a good sense of humour can help you over the hurdles until you can honestly say: \u2018This has become my home.\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elbie van Coller, a counselling psychologist practising in Sydney, chose immigration as the subject for her Master\u2019s thesis. She returned to university in the mid-90s after teaching in South Africa for 16 years. She was halfway through her Psychology studies when the family moved from South Africa to Australia in 2001. The subject of her thesis was the logical result of her own situation at the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elbie interviewed numerous South African and other immigrants during her first few years in Australia and did countless research on the subject of immigration. She found it a strange experience to be talking to people and gathering information regarding their experience of the immigration process, while simultaneously going through the same process of adaptation herself. Elbie is an authority on the theoretical as well as the practical aspects of this process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At her popular and insightful seminars on migration adaptation, Elbie explains the phases of immigration, which are quite similar to the phases of grief and bereavement. Merely listening to her brings huge relief. You realise that you weren\u2019t losing your marbles when you suffered nasty bouts of depression and exhausting nightmares in the initial phases after your arrival.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elbie clearly distinguishes FOUR PHASES IN THE PROCESS OF MIGRATION ADAPTION <\/em>through her research and many interviews:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. THE PUSH\/PULL PHASE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first phase, known as the push\/pull phase, starts before you have even left the motherland. Questions begin to haunt you: Should we or shouldn\u2019t we? What if I can\u2019t find work? How will the kids adjust? Will we be able to make new friends?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Refugees are motivated mainly by Push. They merely want to get away \u2013 from war, famine, crime, persecution or whatever is forcing them to leave their motherland. Refugees are not too fussed about where they go \u2013 any country looks better than the one from which they are escaping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emigrants are motivated mainly by Pull. Their present situation might not be too bad, but opportunities in the new country look better \u2013 that is typical of the Pull phase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A balance between Push and Pull means you\u2019ll probably be happier and adapt better to your new country. Too much Push and you get stuck in the phase where you keep reminding yourself why you left your motherland. You keep reading the news to remind yourself of how bad things were over there; you keep discussing the same topics with fellow migrants and keep fanning the fires. What you are doing is keeping the Push alive, which isn\u2019t good for your long-term adjustment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too much Pull, on the other hand, can lead to unrealistic expectations. The new country is never going to be the Utopia of your dreams \u2013 you\u2019re bound to encounter frustrations and stumbling blocks along the way. Your new compatriots won\u2019t uniformly be nice, friendly or helpful \u2013 people are people, the world over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Elbie tells the tale of an old man, sitting on top of a hill between two villages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One day a passing traveller asked the old man: \u2018How are things in the village beyond this hill?\u2019 \u2018The village where I come from is a terrible place where people are angry, unhappy and constantly fighting, and living conditions are appalling.\u2019
The old man replied: \u2018The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A second traveller passed by and also asked the old man: \u2018How are things in the village beyond this hill? The village where I come from is a lovely place where people are loyal and helpful and live happily together.\u2019 Again, the old man replied: \u2018The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, your expectations dictate what you\u2019ll experience in life. It reminds one of Henry Ford\u2019s famous words: \u2018If you think you can do a thing, or think you can\u2019t do a thing, you\u2019re right.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The emigration process starts before you depart, as in your mind you have already begun adapting. At this point, the stress starts building. Packing up an entire house and a complete life is unbelievably stressful. That is without mentioning all the forms, certificates, interviews, tests, declarations and documents adding to the stress build-up! And then we haven\u2019t even mentioned the Great Goodbye \u2026 as some wit once said, there is no \u2018good\u2019 in goodbye!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. THE HONEYMOON PHASE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

After arriving in the new country, all seems new and exciting, foreign and different. The newly arrived immigrant is hyper-sensitive; notices every little detail and intensely experiences every novelty: Products on the shelves look different; the traffic light phases are longer; speed limits are lower; drivers are courteous and patient; homes seldom have front fences and walls which mostly serve as a decoration; the most serious burglar barring in front of windows is a mosquito screen; often homes have no garages, just a carport; cars are left in the street overnight and people walk the streets alone . . . even late at night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While finely tuned in to all these novelties, you still feel ignorant at the same time \u2013 you have to discover and learn everything from scratch; how to rent or buy a house; how the school system works; how to put petrol in your car or how to obtain a telephone and internet access. You struggle to understand all the foreign accents and expressions and regularly need to ask people to talk more slowly or to repeat themselves. You find yourself having to re-learn all that you have previously taken for granted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This second phase tends to flash by quickly as you single-mindedly try to focus and get a grip on everything happening around you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. THE CRISIS PHASE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within a year or so as the dust settles, you start asking yourself: Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This phase is usually accompanied by intense emotions: loss and grief on the one hand and accumulated stress on the other. This is the time you start realising how much still needs to be done \u2026 you\u2019ve been hard at this life-building business for almost two years and it\u2019s not getting easier. In fact, it feels as if you\u2019re getting nowhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loss and grief<\/strong>
What do you lose?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You leave behind people, places, familiar faces and vistas that you dearly love. You leave your language and your culture: everything suddenly feels remote and you may feel empty inside, lost and lonely. You experience a sense of disassociation; everything around you feels unreal, and you do not feel real yourself. You lose your sense of being an accomplished human being. Over the years, you\u2019ve accumulated knowledge and experience; you were a good organiser; you had a reliable network of people around you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then one day you choose to board a plane and not long after arrival you find yourself feeling lost, forlorn and ignorant. You doubt everything: what is right or wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. You feel a sense of insecurity. Many migrants leave their homeland due to insecurity and now find themselves with similar insecurity, although for different reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You could even start doubting your own identity and status. Your impressive CV, years of work experience and higher degrees don\u2019t necessarily guarantee a red-carpet welcome. Lawyer, doctor, teacher, psychologist \u2026 \u2018Have you practised in Australia or New Zealand? Not yet? Sorry \u2026 ne-e-ext!\u2019 That loss of identity is extremely difficult to process, especially for men, who are usually the breadwinner and often base their identity on their careers. When the husband isn\u2019t able to find work, but his wife works and generates an income, it can create friction in a marriage. Immigrant marriages often fail because of this, because it exacerbates the existing tension and ruins relationships. People often resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms like overeating, drinking, gambling, etc. This becomes a vicious circle, placing even more stress on a marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In such a crisis, you often also feel a sense of guilt. You feel guilty about your parents, children and relatives you left behind. You enter a phase of incessant questioning: Did we do the right thing? Shouldn\u2019t we go back? Is this the right place for us? Is this the right place for our children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depression and anger are common in this phase: Anger at your motherland\u2019s government, anger at your new government, anger at your spouse \u2013 especially if you\u2019re not the one who instigated the move \u2013 anger at yourself, at your local council,
the traffic on the roads \u2026 You are angry at the world and the world should know it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Accumulated stress<\/strong>
What makes new migrants stressed?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n