The decision to emigrate is often a complex and emotional process, especially for parents and grandparents who stay behind. When you hear the word emigration, you first think of someone leaving the country and rarely of the loved ones who stay behind. Emigration is not only a life-changing reality for the child who emigrates, but also for the people who stay behind.

Parents who see children emigrate, experience a unique mixture of joy over their children’s new opportunity and deep sadness over the distance being placed between them.

Recently at AfriForum Worldwide’s morning get-together a parent described the emotion so aptly: “Having children and grandchildren abroad is to mourn, but no one brings you flowers.” These words perfectly capture the challenges and grieving process that parents often quietly go through.

General challenges of emigration

For parents emigration is not only a physical separation, but also an emotional challenge. Emigration is a big life change. This requires parents to redefine their expectations and dreams of family life. The distance brings practical challenges such as limited physical contact, new time zones and cultural differences.

• Communication bridging: Different time zones make spontaneous conversations more difficult.
• Cultural adaptions: Children and grandchildren often adapt to a new culture, which can sometimes make parents feel as if they are losing their family to an unknown world.
• Constant farewell: Each visit ends with another heartbreaking goodbye.
• Internal conflict: When children decide to emigrate, parents often experience a deep emotional inward conflict, on the one hand there is pride and excitement over the opportunities that await their children, but on the other hand there is the mourning over lost time and shared experiences. This emotional balancing is a constant challenge.
• Feeling of powerlessness: When children decide to emigrate, parents may feel that their input is not sufficiently considered. Although parents often have their children’s best interests at heart, emigration is ultimately a decision based on a family’s unique circumstances. The lack of input can leave parents with a feeling of powerlessness.
• Grandparenting across borders: For grandparents it is a challenge to maintain ties with grandchildren across borders. Grandparents often miss important milestones such as birthdays, sports days and first steps. Technology, such as video calls, helps but it does not replace the warmth of physical presence. Grandparents must be creative in how they play a role in their grandchildren’s lives, even it is from a distance.

These new realities require adjustments in how parents and children communicate and maintain ties.

What to avoid

• Do not guilt trip: Avoid comments that will make your children feel guilty about their decision.  
• Do not underestimate their new lives: Acknowledge the challenges they experience abroad and be empathetic.
• Do not give up your identity: Focus on what makes you happy rather than building your whole life around their emigration.

Frequently asked questions about adjusting to children who emigrate

1. How should I approach their emigration?

Emigration is a big decision and your reaction can strongly influence your relationship with your child. It is important to approach their decision with understanding and respect, even if you do not completely agree with it.  

Practical tips:

• Listen without judgement: Allow your child to share their reasons and dreams with you. For example, if they say they want better career opportunities, ask how you can support them.
• Show your love and pride: Say something like: “I know this step is not easy, but I am proud of your courage to pursue new opportunities.”
• Do not apply pressure: Avoid statements such as: “What will become of me when you are gone?” This can increase your child’s feeling of guilt.

2. How can I remain involved when they live in another country?  

It can be difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship, but with technology there are many ways to remain involved over a distance.

Practical tips:

• Schedule regular calls: Make weekly video calls a ritual. Do not only discuss big events, but also everyday things, like how their day was.
• Send small surprises: Think of creative ways to show your love, such as writing a handwritten letter or use AfriForum Worldwide’s World Guide to locate cool South African businesses in your loved ones’ area. Send something personal –perhaps an Afrikaans reading book for your grandchild that you can enjoy together. Perhaps a special local delicacy that brings nostalgia –food that makes you long for your family home. This small gesture creates new memories and strengthen family ties.
• Be part of their lives: Learn about the new surroundings and ask specific questions such as: “How are your neighbours?” or “What does the local food taste like?”

3. How do I become familiar with their new reality?

Understanding your child’s new reality, helps you to be more supportive and have meaningful conversations.

Practical tips:

• Research their new country: Read about their culture, customs and specific challenges of the country where they live. For example, if they emigrate to Canada, learn about the Canadian winter and ask: “How are you going to adjust to the cold weather?”
• Visit them if possible: A short visit to their new country can help you to experience their circumstances first hand.
• Learn to use technology: Use platforms such as WhatsApp, Zoom or Skype to keep in touch regularly.

4. What can I do to deal with my longing?

Longing for your child is natural, but it is important to find ways to deal with it positively. 

Practical tips:

• Focus on self-care: Develop your own hobbies and support network to deal with feelings of loneliness.
• Do something special: Start a family journal in which you write stories, memories and messages to them.
• Remain involved with their milestones: Ask how you can be a part of special moments such as birthdays or their children’s first day of school, even if it is just online. Even a simple message can show them that your thinking of them and are available. However, remember that they may have busy lives and may not always be able to answer immediately or comprehensively – do not take it personally. Rather focus on being consistent and supportive.
• Accept the grieving process: It is normal to experience loss. Give yourself permission to grieve and be patient with your emotions.
• The best medicine for sadness is gratitude: When the longing for loved ones weighs heavily, gratitude can help ease the burden. Take time to become quiet and think about all the things you are grateful for – the small moments of joy, the people who support you and the memories that fill your heart. Write it down, or share it with your family and friends. Gratitude moves the focus away from what is missing, to what is still beautiful and valuable in your life.

Mutual conversation and involvement

Open and honest conversation are essential. Both parents and children must be able to express their emotions without judgement. Share the everyday things – small details build emotional closeness across borders.

Despite physical distance, parents and children remain part of each other’s lives. Emigration does change the shape of relationships, but it does not have to diminish their depth. By adapting, creating new traditions and offering mutual support, parents and children can maintain a lasting, meaningful connection.

The key to successful adjustment is a combination of understanding, communication and a focus on both your child’s new life and your own well-being. By being proactive and having open conversations, you can keep your relationship strong, despite the distance.

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Do your children and grandchildren live abroad? Share your experience with us – how you deal with the challenges and joys of grandparenting across borders. Do you have a tip or two that can help others to process the longing or maintain contact? Your advice can make a difference in someone’s journey.

Photo: Freepik