By Ira van der Merwe

The worst way to offend a Pole is to decline a glass of vodka. And they are such a happy bunch that I would never have the heart to do so, anyway – even though I don’t like vodka. (Hush! Don’t tell anyone; I may lose my resident’s permit!)

For this reason, foreigners like you and I have to develop strategies to limit the damage to our fragile African livers to the bare minimum. I therefore share a few valuable tips – your liver and head will be very grateful.  

First: The vodka stays on the table. So, the greater your distance from the table, the happier your liver.  

Second: Do not stand far away from the tables on your own. Make sure you always have someone at your side, because a good Samaritan will always lead any wall flowers back to the tables – and back to the bottles of happiness.  

Third: Do not be presumptuous and propose a toast, because your noble deed will most probably evoke a deluge of toasts from the rest – and each winged word deserves a tot of the transparent poison.  

And do not be foolish enough to drink the tot sip by sip. You will be corrected immediately: The liquid must leave the tot glass in one quick movement, may not touch the sides and must take the short cut to your liver. You will be forgiven the first time round, but the second time you will provoke unwanted attention. It will feel like you are initiated again, because they will let you rehearse in front of everyone until you get it right. There are many bottles to help you through your learning curve, so do not think they will run out of liquid. In South Africa we work on one bottle of wine per woman or two bottles per man when we plan a hostel dance – in Poland they work on half a litre of vodka per person! And this excludes your quota of beer and wine. So watch your step, keep to the side (but never to yourself!), empty the tot in one go and stand on the lawn.   

Yes – on the lawn. This is your last safety buoy, because there you can tip your tot to one side while no one watches, and “accidentally” shed a few drops. And then you suddenly peer at something in the distance, as if you are glimpsing a kudu in the shadows. Then, when everyone is trying to see what you are peering at so intensely, you tip the tot the other side. The grass is grateful, and so is your brain – at this stage already a raisin.

Is there any interesting culture etiquette that you had to learn in a foreign country? Do you perhaps have hints for social events in the country in which you reside? Let us know – email wêreldwyd@afriforum.co.za.