By Elbie van Coller

Migration is not for sissies, that’s for sure. Anyone leaving their country of birth permanently, for whatever reason, can verify this fact. New roots takes a very long time to gain a foothold in foreign soil, but patience and a good sense of humour can help you over the hurdles until you can honestly say: ‘This has become my home.’

Elbie van Coller, a counselling psychologist practising in Sydney, chose immigration as the subject for her Master’s thesis. She returned to university in the mid-90s after teaching in South Africa for 16 years. She was halfway through her Psychology studies when the family moved from South Africa to Australia in 2001. The subject of her thesis was the logical result of her own situation at the time.

Elbie interviewed numerous South African and other immigrants during her first few years in Australia and did countless research on the subject of immigration. She found it a strange experience to be talking to people and gathering information regarding their experience of the immigration process, while simultaneously going through the same process of adaptation herself. Elbie is an authority on the theoretical as well as the practical aspects of this process.

At her popular and insightful seminars on migration adaptation, Elbie explains the phases of immigration, which are quite similar to the phases of grief and bereavement. Merely listening to her brings huge relief. You realise that you weren’t losing your marbles when you suffered nasty bouts of depression and exhausting nightmares in the initial phases after your arrival.

Elbie clearly distinguishes FOUR PHASES IN THE PROCESS OF MIGRATION ADAPTION through her research and many interviews:

1. THE PUSH/PULL PHASE

The first phase, known as the push/pull phase, starts before you have even left the motherland. Questions begin to haunt you: Should we or shouldn’t we? What if I can’t find work? How will the kids adjust? Will we be able to make new friends?

Refugees are motivated mainly by Push. They merely want to get away – from war, famine, crime, persecution or whatever is forcing them to leave their motherland. Refugees are not too fussed about where they go – any country looks better than the one from which they are escaping.

Emigrants are motivated mainly by Pull. Their present situation might not be too bad, but opportunities in the new country look better – that is typical of the Pull phase.

A balance between Push and Pull means you’ll probably be happier and adapt better to your new country. Too much Push and you get stuck in the phase where you keep reminding yourself why you left your motherland. You keep reading the news to remind yourself of how bad things were over there; you keep discussing the same topics with fellow migrants and keep fanning the fires. What you are doing is keeping the Push alive, which isn’t good for your long-term adjustment.

Too much Pull, on the other hand, can lead to unrealistic expectations. The new country is never going to be the Utopia of your dreams – you’re bound to encounter frustrations and stumbling blocks along the way. Your new compatriots won’t uniformly be nice, friendly or helpful – people are people, the world over.

Elbie tells the tale of an old man, sitting on top of a hill between two villages.

One day a passing traveller asked the old man: ‘How are things in the village beyond this hill?’ ‘The village where I come from is a terrible place where people are angry, unhappy and constantly fighting, and living conditions are appalling.’
The old man replied: ‘The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.’

A second traveller passed by and also asked the old man: ‘How are things in the village beyond this hill? The village where I come from is a lovely place where people are loyal and helpful and live happily together.’ Again, the old man replied: ‘The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.’

Often, your expectations dictate what you’ll experience in life. It reminds one of Henry Ford’s famous words: ‘If you think you can do a thing, or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.’

The emigration process starts before you depart, as in your mind you have already begun adapting. At this point, the stress starts building. Packing up an entire house and a complete life is unbelievably stressful. That is without mentioning all the forms, certificates, interviews, tests, declarations and documents adding to the stress build-up! And then we haven’t even mentioned the Great Goodbye … as some wit once said, there is no ‘good’ in goodbye!

2. THE HONEYMOON PHASE

After arriving in the new country, all seems new and exciting, foreign and different. The newly arrived immigrant is hyper-sensitive; notices every little detail and intensely experiences every novelty: Products on the shelves look different; the traffic light phases are longer; speed limits are lower; drivers are courteous and patient; homes seldom have front fences and walls which mostly serve as a decoration; the most serious burglar barring in front of windows is a mosquito screen; often homes have no garages, just a carport; cars are left in the street overnight and people walk the streets alone . . . even late at night.

While finely tuned in to all these novelties, you still feel ignorant at the same time – you have to discover and learn everything from scratch; how to rent or buy a house; how the school system works; how to put petrol in your car or how to obtain a telephone and internet access. You struggle to understand all the foreign accents and expressions and regularly need to ask people to talk more slowly or to repeat themselves. You find yourself having to re-learn all that you have previously taken for granted.

This second phase tends to flash by quickly as you single-mindedly try to focus and get a grip on everything happening around you.

3. THE CRISIS PHASE

Within a year or so as the dust settles, you start asking yourself: Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?

This phase is usually accompanied by intense emotions: loss and grief on the one hand and accumulated stress on the other. This is the time you start realising how much still needs to be done … you’ve been hard at this life-building business for almost two years and it’s not getting easier. In fact, it feels as if you’re getting nowhere.

Loss and grief
What do you lose?

You leave behind people, places, familiar faces and vistas that you dearly love. You leave your language and your culture: everything suddenly feels remote and you may feel empty inside, lost and lonely. You experience a sense of disassociation; everything around you feels unreal, and you do not feel real yourself. You lose your sense of being an accomplished human being. Over the years, you’ve accumulated knowledge and experience; you were a good organiser; you had a reliable network of people around you.

Then one day you choose to board a plane and not long after arrival you find yourself feeling lost, forlorn and ignorant. You doubt everything: what is right or wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. You feel a sense of insecurity. Many migrants leave their homeland due to insecurity and now find themselves with similar insecurity, although for different reasons.

You could even start doubting your own identity and status. Your impressive CV, years of work experience and higher degrees don’t necessarily guarantee a red-carpet welcome. Lawyer, doctor, teacher, psychologist … ‘Have you practised in Australia or New Zealand? Not yet? Sorry … ne-e-ext!’ That loss of identity is extremely difficult to process, especially for men, who are usually the breadwinner and often base their identity on their careers. When the husband isn’t able to find work, but his wife works and generates an income, it can create friction in a marriage. Immigrant marriages often fail because of this, because it exacerbates the existing tension and ruins relationships. People often resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms like overeating, drinking, gambling, etc. This becomes a vicious circle, placing even more stress on a marriage.

In such a crisis, you often also feel a sense of guilt. You feel guilty about your parents, children and relatives you left behind. You enter a phase of incessant questioning: Did we do the right thing? Shouldn’t we go back? Is this the right place for us? Is this the right place for our children?

Depression and anger are common in this phase: Anger at your motherland’s government, anger at your new government, anger at your spouse – especially if you’re not the one who instigated the move – anger at yourself, at your local council,
the traffic on the roads … You are angry at the world and the world should know it.

Accumulated stress
What makes new migrants stressed?

• The ‘ignorance’ factor – you realise you still have a lot to learn and it is happening too slowly.
• The financial factor – you quickly learn to divide your South African rands by ten and everything here is more expensive. A house costs much more than in South Africa and childcare, housecleaning and gardening are particularly expensive … you often don’t earn enough to cover your financial needs.
• The housework factor – the whole family needs to lend a hand with cleaning, laundry, cooking and gardening. This can cause serious conflict in households where people were used to domestic and outdoor help. Elbie laughs about the day she realised, ‘Here I am in the “promised land” with a toilet brush in my hand!
• The communication factor – if we don’t talk and negotiate about the things that bother or irritate us, stress will accumulate even more. We need more than ever to communicate, negotiate and have heaps of patience.

4. THE ADJUSTMENT AND ACCEPTANCE PHASE

By year three or four, the adjustment phase slowly turns into a phase of settling in. You ‘get’ typical Ozzie or Kiwi jokes. You feel more at home; you start forgetting about your high expectations and become comfortable with your present conditions. You have new friends and a support network. You start establishing your own identity … in short, you are beginning to feel settled.

A good way to develop your own identity is to ‘adopt’ a shopping centre or a busy street. Find a regular coffee shop, and support the same baker, butcher, pharmacy or hairdresser.

Get to know the owners and before long, you’ll be described by the butcher as the lady who always orders lamb neck or the bloke who’s there for the oxtail. Or when the hairdresser asks, ‘Same as last time?’ you’ll know for certain: ‘This is my place.’

 What makes a successful immigrant?

• Acceptance – the ability to distinguish between what you can and cannot change and acceptance of the fact.
• The resolve to live the best possible life you can live in your new country.
• A strong sense of motivation and commitment – Victor Frankl said: ‘We have the freedom to decide our own motivation and attitude.’ Decide to be positive – you always have a choice.
• A moral or spiritual source to draw strength from – like belonging to a church or like-minded group.
• A positive attitude – towards your host country and its people. That makes life so much easier for you and everyone around you.
• A good sense of humour – If you can laugh through your tears, you will make it.

Also keep in mind:

• Good social skills allow you to get along better and more easily with others.
• People with realistic (as opposed to unrealistic) expectations adjust better.
• Common sense is far more important than a high IQ.
• Good physical health is very important, especially in times of high stress and tension. A healthy, strong and fit body better can handle almost anything.
• See things from another perspective – the Ozzies or Kiwis don’t necessarily need you, but you need them. Remember how you felt about immigrants in your motherland – the Greek or Portuguese café owner or greengrocer who couldn’t understand you very well … you are now in the same boat.
• Make new friends quickly by joining an organisation of your choice: a sports club, a sewing group, a church group, a library, a hiking group, a writing group – the possibilities are endless. You may even consider enrolling for a short course at a college or community centre.
• Use and rely on the strength of your family and the people close to you and keep them cohesive.
• If you have problems, get help! Ask your family members to help, or your doctor, your pastor, your pharmacist, your neighbour or your friends – anyone you can trust.

And last but definitely not least: the ‘promised land’ is in your mind. You will get there when you are ready.

This article appeared in Merise.  

Contact Elbie van Coller

Website: www.elbie.com.au 
email address: elbievancoller@icloud.com 
Telephone number: +61 2 9983 0193

Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash